weigh in week 9

well I lost another 2 pounds, I start off the week cool, then come monday/tuesday it all goes to pot.
I've had a bad week, I just seem to sit here crying most of the time lately and sounding all emo. I feel my presentation went very badly, everyone else's was so organised and cool, then we were just so rubbish, the dvd was poor, the work we presented was poor. everyone keeps saying dont be silly you might be surprised with your grade, its not helping everybody,

I KNOW it was rubbish!

I just keep thinking I have failed the whole placement, I have no idea what happens if that is true but will mean 7 weeks of work down the drain.
I just feel such a loser all the time, im fat im 20 stone im ugly, and im crap at presenting and I cant even stick to my ww for a week. I am usualy such a happy go lucky person, I am contemplating giving up the course cos I really am crap at presentations and this course is full of them, this course is just making me so down and like a loser its unbelievable. im sorting out my sons room right now, mulling over things I guess there is some fight in me, I might try and get a book on improving how to present. i will have a look later. anyway back to cleaning the room.

saturday

well today I feel a bit better, I am leaving myself in the DVD mainly because a girl has worked hard on it, and it flows better for the presentation.
I have learn though that this is something I will probably not do ever again, well not while I am this size anyway. I am the sort of person who will run from cameras, so to do a dvd was a big thing for me. I do just look hideous, one of the nicer girls said "I think we wore the wrong things" I know she was being polite, she meant you wore the wrong thing. I am so mad about one of the girls, she is very slim and moaning that she looks pregnant! Your know this girl is like a size 12 she had a tinsy winsy bit of belly and I just thought BEEEP you. To top it all she is desperate to get hold of this dvd and I know it isnt for a good reason, why on earth would she want a copy after the presentation has been made? hmm stinks of taking the piss of us with her mates. Maybe I am being paranoid but just little bits of body language I pick up from her.
Well I am still on ww, still sticking to it each day I am aware that I could get down and start to eat, so today I am going to get in tons of nice things that are low points, and steer away from anything that can ruin a diet. I might pop to asda for a change and see what they have going I know when I do go they tend to have alot of ww friendly items for us. So heres to hoping I am still ok on thursday, got a few obsticles to get over during the week, the main one being the group wants to go out for a closure meal, I will see what they all suggest and decide form there if I want to go, but I think a ncie carvery would be lovely.

I got to thinking today

Bit dangerous I know me thinking, Ive been doing this ww for 8 weeks now, and I have struggled big time since I was ill. However you know what ......I am still here, still trying to lose this weight!!!! that is a big thing for me, I am still committed to getting thin and havent given up on myself yet and i dont think I will. Fantastic mind set change, as before I'd have been gone by now and given up for sure!

Yes at the moment i feel so low about how I look, seeing myself on dvd just shows me how I look to the world really, it smacked me right in the face what a mess I look. I wonder how I let myself get to this stage, and probably other people are thinking that too!

I am going to lose this weight and I so want to be thin, right now a stone seems a small drop in a big ocean for me, I should celebrate my loss but to be honest its not made any difference yet to anything, my clothes arent any looser yet and I am still hideous looking, but one thing I do know is that when I do lose more it will show. I just have to be patient its just hard to be sometimes. I hope that I will see the losses as good in times to come - I figure I have to lose about 11 stone to be in my healthy range, you that is actually more than I want to weigh at the end, I am twice the size I should be, its just daunting when you think of it that way. For now though I am aiming for 12 stone, my problem is I know all the talk about breaking up into smaller goals, however I get to my smaller goal and thats it ive done my goal my head things done it thats it and I find it hard to refocus on another goal and I give up, so now my mindset is I cant stop till I get to 12 stone. Simple no matter what I wont stop until I hit 12 stone.
I just have to make sure I stick to it, easier said then done, the boys are eating me out of house and home and I am losing money quick on a student bursary, I am going to have to cut back on everything big time. Plus side is I prob will only be able to afford 3 meals a day and fruit inbetween, already had a chat with the boys about food consumption - because they just graze constantly and everything is gone within a day or two, frustrating when it comes to making their lunches. So now I have told them when its gone its gone one shop a week and thats it.
so here I am, I would love in 3 years to be able to make a new video as was suggested on the ww site and have me as a slim size 16 generally healthy and feeling much better about myself.

weigh in week 8

well had a bit of a tiswas yesterday, and I havebeen going off the rails. Was crying everything was going wrong, I looked hideous in the dvd and HATE IT! I mean literally hate it and I want to ditch the thing, so going to talk to my fellow team mates today about me not being in it and presenting verbally.
Well anyway woke up weighed myself and I lost 2.5 pounds. I am now at my 1 stone loss, somehow I thought I would feel much more happy cos I wanted to get to it, but all I feel is its such a fluke I went off the rails for like 3 days. Anyway I will try my best to keep on this ww lark for another week, I think I will be struggling day to day really, Im so fed up and I know I should be patient but just hate the way I look so much it sends me into a spiral of depression, the dvd really didnt help me at all! I need to break this stupid mind set and realise i am doing something about it now and crak on with it, Its silly but Im depressed cos im so fat and ugly and want to be thin so I eat more! wtf is that about? oh well going to have to get ready for uni now I will ponder this thought today.

hey everyone its saturday!

haha ok feeling in a good mood today, and still on ww wooooot! pretty proud of myself getting back into it and not giving up which I thought had happened! ...I hope I will be bale to stick to it for a while to come. I so want my first stone loss this week that would be so awesome! I have to admit I have been sneaky peeking ...bit naughty I know, but since its the same scales that I weigh in anyway (cos im one of those online people) it doesnt really give me a false reading, LOL urmm oh well ....
today we are shooitng our dvd for the presentation, I might not of mentioned this so a bit of background info. I am a student nurse and for my first placement we begrudgingly had to do a community profile project, hard to explain but basically we had to wander about an area and find out what health services are available for the area then chose a specific group in that area and find out how these services can help them. So we like daft gits chose travellers. We didnt feel like presenting our findings in the normal way we wanted to do something a bit differnt, so we are doing a dvd of sorts, so that is where we are now at the dvd making day. Im very nervous, not sure why rofl and im a little bit excited :D
I just hope my work is right and we get a good grade cos I have put in alot of time on this project and would literally cry if i got an F cos id done the wrong bit so will keep you informed on all that stuff.
Still not got the gym yet and I havent been on wwi fit for a while either, I really need to get back into it and start to do some exercise somewhere, mind you lately with walking about our target area I have got that exercise going for me. well off to get ready and update later on in the week!